Alright. I’ve been nagged and nagged to update this puppy so we’re not just sitting here staring at the Coachella 2009 lineup over and over again. We already know to see TV on the Radio and NOT the Killers. And if I hear that retarded lyric “Are we human, or are we dancer?” one more time I’m going to punch the nearest white boy right on the liver.
SO…what to blog about…what to blog about? It’s nice to know that 3 of you think I’m mildly interesting. 2 out of those 3 come to my house a lot. Have you two noticed that I have a LOT of bathroom reading at my disposal?
Well what’s funny and sad is…most of this stuff is PRETTY OLD, and I read it over and over again. Have you ever seen the Altman movie California Split? A wacky offbeat character in that movie loves to read the same issue of TV Guide over and over again, every night before she goes to sleep. I am crazy enough to be cast in an Altman movie. Here are exactly 5 things that should be rotated out of the bathroom but they stay in there anyway.
1. The Restaurant Lovers Companion by Steve Ettlinger (Forward by Tim Zagat!)
This thing is pretty informative…but it also cracks me up. It is clearly written for the gringo foodie. It has a definition for a quesadilla…but also a Mexican pizza! Do they REALLY serve those in other places besides Taco Bell? The Japanese section is quite handy though…but then I read something like this and it just makes me giggle. “Almost all Japanese garnishes are edible. One exception is a decorative green plastic garnish, reminiscent of a picket fense, that is sometimes presented with sushi.” YEAH GO AHEAD AND EAT THAT. HEE HEE. I really do flip through this thing a lot despite those very obvious kinds of passages.
2. Heeb Magazine – Spring 2007
I’m not a heeb by any regard! I’m a rogue Catholic girl with a very long Muslim last name but somehow this appeared in the house a few months back. The BF probably picked it up at a media event for free. I reread a lot of stuff in it, starting with the R. Crumb/Aline Kominsky-Crumb piece. Aline is a favorite comic book author of mine who gets absolutely no cred, and I devour everything that has anything to do with her. There’s also a piece in here about “Jouchebags” that is pretty silly/undercut with an actual sense of self-loathing. I had no idea that Ayn Rand was Jewish? I’d be angry at her too. The last thing I love to reread is “The World of Polyamorous Jews” – all about the blurry lines in Judaism about love and relationships. A block quote from the article by Sarah Goldstein is intriguing: “The Abrahamses note that the Torah defines adultery as a married woman having sexual intercourse with a man who is not her husband. It does not say anything about a married woman having sex with another woman nor anything about a married man having sex with a woman who is not his wife.” Yeah, I’m not Jewish at all…but this is totally engaging stuff I’ve read a few different times.
3. A menu from a local restaurant that will remain nameless in case they find me and won’t let me eat there ever again.
4. The Believer – May 2005
Because of this issue I finally know HOW to pronounce Cthulu properly. I know more about the WNBA than most people know. I still think Steve Martin is a huge douche despite his intellect and his propensity to be occasionally funny. And man am I glad a band like Yo La Tengo can exist between albums and concert tours by making great music for indie films. Amy Sedaris’ column makes me chuckle even though I know all the upcoming punchlines. The Believer is a joy in this world where print is dying. It won’t be dead if I save my damn back issues.
5. Vice Magazine -Volume 13, #5
Ahhh yes. What hipster bathroom is not complete without a damn issue of Vice crammed in a corner somewhere? The Dos and Don’ts…yes, annoying and random in their elitist spirit but still so misanthropic and funny. The record reviews will remind you that no matter how many years you’ve spent outside of the suburbs, someone will STILL think your music taste sucks. The porn reviews are often disturbing. The photo shoots…disturbing. But this issue! This issue is a keeper. Comics from Sophie & R. Crumb, Tony Millionaire, Lorna Miller, Dave Cooper, Marc Bell, David Choe, Jordan Crane, Johnny Ryan, Peter Bagge, Steve Weissman…and then there are a few pages dedicated to showcasing the interesting stuff that sits on the desks of a few of these graphic geniuses. I urge you to KEEP your Vice Magazine Comic Book issues! They age well. Near your toilet.